Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

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What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

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Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

Why cant I sleep? When I'm about to fall asleep, I get excited that im about to sleep, causing me to wake up again. It repeats till my sleepiness is gone. I tried taking melatonin and not using my phone, but I end upawake for hours.

I was tired of trying and failing.

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

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I had run out of hope.

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

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So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

It’s still here.

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

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Be who you already are.

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

It’s here now, writing to you.

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So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

You are like me, then.

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

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But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

I was tired of fighting.

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

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And the sadness?

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

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Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

The sadness was still there.